After watching the Grammy’s this year, and seeing how both the Academy and the fans still idolized Chris Brown (rewarding him with a Grammy and 2 live performances) after his awful and unforgiving assault towards Rihanna (read the court papers with the details here), and the horrific comments some young girls were posting on Twitter (i.e: “I’d let Chris Brown beat me any time”), I came to realize that many people are still not fully aware of the severity of Domestic Violence and that perhaps, the media downplays the seriousness of this issue – forgiving and forgetting too quickly and materializing women into sex objects. An issue that here in Guatemala affects 1 in 3 women. Now, that’s one scary statistic. And despite what many may believe, Domestic Violence has no socio-economic, ethnic or age boundaries. It can happen to anyone, anywhere.
There are several types of abuse: physical, sexual (1 in 4 women are sexually abused in Latin America), psychological, emotional and even economical. Physical and sexual abuse are the easiest ones to recognize, but would you be able to recognize the others? I think it’s important for all women (since 85% of Domestic Violence is towards women) to educate themselves in recognizing the signs (read about them here), and to understand that they are not alone in this battle and that the first step into leaving an abusive relationship is to talk about it with those close to them. They must learn that none of this is their fault, and that there are organizations that can help them get out. All this may sound easier said than done…but it’s key to NEVER lose hope, to NEVER lose confidence in yourself, and to educate the children of today so they don’t grow into abusers themselves. Remember, YOU are your children’s role models and there’s no EXCUSE for an abusive relationship! No one has the right to hurt someone else this way!
Here is a story of someone I know who used to live in an abusive relationship, but was strong and brave enough to find her way out and share her story with all of us:
“I met a guy, the perfect guy….isn’t that the way it starts? I must say, I was 18 at the time but had moved away from home (at the age of 16) first to live with my father and then to live with my sister while attending college – an Ivy League college, I might add. So, I might have been young, but I was NEVER stupid. I went to school during the day and worked nights. I met him through work. He was attractive, apparently “well-off”, took me out to nice places, treated me great (i.e. dinner, roses, the whole bit…). I was still dating other guys, mind you….after all….I was young and single. My sister often spent time at her boyfriend’s place, so she was rarely at home. The guy (I will call him Jim for the sake of this story), would often stay with me…no big deal. Until the fateful night when my sister decided that Jim wasn’t welcome anymore, and because I would not comply with her wishes, she threw all of my clothes and belongings onto the grass outside of our rented house. Jim was there to “rescue” me. We stayed in a motel for a few nights, while trying to figure out what to do. (Don’t forget that I was still dating and now had just fallen off of the face of the Earth in terms of other men). Jim and I decided to rent a furnished apartment and move in together. What choice did I have? I was alone and thrown out by family. Going back home was not an option…my mother was an alcoholic, my dad had re-married and I had just spent my senior year of high school with him. He was struggling with bankruptcy, his own marital issues, etc. So Jim and I moved into a furnished apartment and lived together for about 3 months, at which time he thought it would be a good idea for us to marry. Why not? It had all worked out so far! We tried to get married on Christmas, but since there was no one available to do so, we ended up going to a Justice of the Peace on December 26th. Everything was wonderful and beautiful! I remember sending a telegram (remember those?) to my mother informing her of my marriage. I did not see her after that for 7 years….
Upon returning to our apartment that same day, I don’t know what even started it (probably some trivial thing) he went into a rage. I ended up hiding in the closet on my wedding day to avoid him hitting me. He even threatened me with a bow and arrow (which was in the closet and belonged to him, which I had only assumed he used as a hobby). He had not touched me before this date …our wedding day.
Of course, the following day, he apologized, said it would never happen again, brought me flowers, begged forgiveness and I believed I could “change him”. He confided in me that he had been married 2 times previously, and apparently abuse was a factor in both marriages. BUT I WAS DIFFERENT. I COULD FIX IT.
I cannot begin to describe the next 7 YEARS that I was married to him. His clothes had to be hung with all hangers facing the same way or all hell would break loose. If they had been ironed incorrectly by the cleaners, over which I had no control, it was MY fault and not only would he rip the shirt off his back, popping all of the buttons, but then the beating would begin. When I would return from class, I would literally be pinned down and vaginally inspected to assure that I had not been with another man. I’d lying Spread Eagle on the bed, while he inspected me. He would follow me to class…without my knowledge. Simple things, like dinner being overcooked or laundry not being done (correctly) would set him off, and I would be beaten up. Beatings included bruising, swollen lips, black eyes….and the never-ending use of sunglasses (by me). (Nicole Simpson looked GOOD compared to the many beatings I received). I remember one time, specifically, in which alcohol was involved. During those days (the ’80’s) there was a lot of alcohol and drug usage, and on this particular day it was Tequila. He and I were both drinking and for some reason it started. BUT this time I fought back, only to find myself, the next day, with almost a broken jaw (nearly requiring hospitalization for my mouth to be wired shut), 2 black eyes, broken lips and lying in bed unable to move. A dozen roses and numerous apologies followed yet again.
The physical abuse was bad enough, but the emotional abuse might almost have been worse. I was “nothing,” “no good,” “not good enough,” “no one would ever want me,” “I needed him” – especially since according to him, “no one else would ever have me.” Although I KNEW better, somehow he convinced me that I had no where to go, no one to turn to, and I was a worthless human being.
He had long since cut me off from family and friends. No phone calls, no visits, nothing. He told me that a 3rd person always creates problems in a marriage. My sister tried to call a few times but he made me hang up. God bless her, she tried. Thank GOD, somehow I remained in touch with my dad. However, my dad, being an abuser himself (although he talked to Jim many times) was unable to create any lasting effect, and so it continued.
One night in a restaurant, with my dad and his wife, my dad confronted Jim. I had a black eye at the time and my dad took him outside and threatened him, but it did not stop Jim. He promised my dad that things would be better but they never were.
I tried to run, a few times, but even my VERY BEST FRIEND would not allow me into her place due to fear of what he may do to her (she knew the history). I was not allowed to talk to my family or my friends. I could not even go to the grocery store without Jim. At one point, he put a “security gate” at the bottom of our stairwell (we lived on the second story of an apartment building) which required a key to get in or out. I was not given a key. I screamed “bloody murder” on numerous occasions and the police often came, but he had threatened me with further bodily harm should I report him. So I kept quiet when they arrived. Thank God the laws are different today, and should there be any indication of abuse, the man will be arrested first and questions will be asked later. Unfortunately, I was not to benefit from the laws that are in force NOW….
Finally, something happened to me. I was driving home from work one day with a knot in the pit of my stomach…THIS WAS THE DAY! I was GOING TO LEAVE HIM! I arrived home from work, knowing in my gut that this was the day, and it did not take long until the abuse began once I got home (after all, I was late). I ran down the stairwell (he had not locked the security gate) and I WAS OUT!!!!! He proceeded to run after me with a hammer. He put it through the windshield of my car so I had to walk…I WAS READY. I walked down the street, a residential street in Santa Monica, California. There was construction going on across the street, construction guys wolf-whistling to me as I walked, and he followed saying things like, “Nice piece of Ass, huh?”
I made it to the grocery store on the corner….YAY! Pay phones! BUT, I guess he knew what was coming. He had been there and done that before, so he had already taken all of my credit cards, checks, etc. out of my wallet. I did have some change left in my wallet…so I called for help….
I called battered women’s shelters, only to be asked if I had a job, a checking account, etc. Once I stated that, indeed, I had a job with a steady paycheck, BUT that he had taken all of my credit cards, checks, etc., THEY TOLD ME THEY COULD NOT HELP ME! There I was…in a phone booth, thank GOD in public, outside of a grocery store. He wasn’t coming after me. What could I do? Even the shelters had turned me away because I had a job and a checking account, why????
Finally, I telephoned my dad who lived 2 hours away. He told me that he was “on his way,” Thank God! I telephoned a taxi, which took me out of the city to a local restaurant that I used to go to. After hearing my story, there was no taxi fare nor charge for the MANY drinks that I ordered in the restaurant. I sat at that bar for what seemed like HOURS. FINALLY, my dad and his wife arrived. They drove me back to their home, 2 hours away….AWAY FROM HIM….
I had only the clothes on my back – from silk blouses, gold jewelry, tailored clothing, the fine life –
THIS WAS IT. I don’t remember much from the 2 weeks I spent at my dad’s house, just endless phone calls from Jim and my dad telling him that “
I wasn’t there”. In the end, I
HAD to return to work. I met with my boss a couple of weeks later and told her everything. Security was on-guard should Jim attempt to get to me,
AND HE DID. I was able to call security twice, to be protected against him, and have him removed from the property. I don’t remember how long after that I was called into my boss’ office. The police were there…serving
ME with divorce papers!
UNBELIEVABLE, but I was so grateful. I had since moved into my own little rental residence and was coming to grips with everything. I forgot to mention that Jim and I had rented a garage to store furniture that I had received from my parents. One night, my mother and a
BIG guy who was her friend, went with me to the garage and cut the lock, removing the furniture, etc. in order to furnish my new place.
THANK GOD FOR FAMILY.
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| The Cycle of Abuse, taught to me in High School that I think is worth sharing. Remember, an abuser doesn’t show his true colors at first, and there’s always a “honeymoon” stage when the abuser does all sorts of things to please us and show us he is sorry. |
Unfortunately for me, the BIG guy (supposedly a friend of my mother’s), not only moved the furniture into my new place, but then he tried to make a move onto me! I threw him out, and told my mom. She NEVER DID BELIEVE ME! But it was okay, I was safe in my new place, with my same job and doing fine. That is…until I ran into Jim in a gas station. He wanted to “talk”. Stupidly, I agreed but I said it had to be a public place. We went down the street to a restaurant, where he again proceeded to apologize, ask forgiveness, and then….believe it or not….suggest that we “get back together”. By this time, I was now re-acquiring my self-esteem….I was NOT undesirable, unintelligent, undeserving, etc. I WAS A GOOD PERSON. I DESERVED MORE. So, I was not intimidated and refused to get back with him. Weeks, maybe months, passed and I was again dating. Suddenly, I began receiving phone calls from Jim in which he threatened to have me “raped in an alley by a bunch of ‘n-word’”. He told me that he had been having me followed, and proceeded to tell me who I had dated, what kind of car they drove, etc. HE HAD FOUND ME! I was terrified but remember that self-esteem? NOW I had it back. NO WAY, NO HOW...he was NOT going to get to me.
I ended up holding my ground, staying in my rental, and dating. All I know about him was that he faked a burglary, stating that all of my jewelry, clothing, etc., had been taken in it, and he is probably off performing another scam and abusing women. I started all over…from clothes, shoes, food, apartment, car….EVERYTHING. And TODAY, it was the BEST THING I ever could have done! I pursued my education, made a living, and a name for myself in doing so. I am now retired, having lived a life of abuse/terror and survival…and I WON!
Believe it or not, I had wanted children with this man. Today I am grateful that we never had any. I am now blessed with two daughters from my second marriage, but the real deal is my third AND LAST husband – the man who raised my two little girls into the beautiful women they are today. We remain married now, after 15 years, and I know that I AM WORTH IT. THAT’S WHAT COUNTS.
Just
MAKE THE CALL…
YOU ARE WORTH IT! The laws protect
YOU today, unlike me in my day….
GET OUT! GET HELP! You have a life ahead of you that is worth living and blessings that you can accept each day.”
Let’s break the silence! Women today have the same rights as men and deserve to be appreciated and treated with the same respect! A man who truly loves a woman would never want to hurt her.
And a man who raises a hand (or his voice) to a woman deserves to be brought to light and be punished by law.
For more information on Domestic Violence and how to seek help,
check out the following links:
U.S: The Hotline (gives you information about shelters in your area)
{ It took a lot of courage for the person above to share her story with us. For safety reasons we must respect her choice to remain anonymous. Due to the sensitive nature of this post, rude and disrespectful comments will NOT be approved. Thank you! }
faviorodas 